The Introvert Diaries #4

In which we go on a date - if anyone wants to, that is

In previous introvert diary entries, we spent some time in the introvert brain, dealt with the extrovert ideal, and went to school. Now that we’re growing up, it’s time to venture into the dating world. I can feel my fellow introverts cringe. Dating is one of those performances in which we are often judged by how outgoing we appear/pretend to be.

Beach insights

Allow me to illustrate the importance of this pretense. A few years ago, I was watching a Youtube video by a young, good-looking fitness guy. In this video, the guy strolls over a beach (Miami, I think?) where plenty of young, traditionally attractive women were lounging. His mission? Ask all these beautiful women what they look for in a guy. What are the red flags? What are desirable traits? And so on. (Yes, I know, heteronormative set-up and far from a representative sample…)

As I was sitting there with my pen and notepad, I was in for a surprise. Not so much about what the women in the video want. Loyalty, kindness, being actually listened to, being treated as an equal. Being tall and handsome as a guy doesn’t hurt either. No major new insights.

Here is what surprised me. Biggest red flag for the majority of women? An introverted guy. Well, crap. I threw my notepad at the screen and went back to the drawing board. They didn’t know what they were talking about. Right? I mean, a good listener? Someone who truly wants to get to know the real you? Loyalty? Quality time? Sounds pretty introverted to me. (Extroverts can have those qualities too, of course. Throw me a bone for now.) However, looking at my dating record, there may have been a good point hiding in the video.

I think there are two reasons for this (in my mind unjustified) dating bias against introversion:

• As we’ve seen in previous introvert diary entries, in some aspects of life we’re expected to be outgoing. Young adults are ‘supposed’ to go out, party, and have weekends filled with social activities. This - to an extent - conditions us to see introversion as ‘boring’. The opposite is true (I may be biased), but it usually takes more than one date to break through that introvert shell. So, most of the women in the video want someone more extroverted because that’s seen as more exciting, more adventurous, etc. (Again, none of that is necessarily true, but dating is all about how things/people look…)

• It can be harder to initially get to know someone who is on the introvert side of the spectrum. Small talk isn’t one of the introvert’s natural inclinations. And while I personally don’t mind having ‘deep’ conversations on a first date at all, that’s not exactly part of the usual script.

(This introversion red flag is from the perspective of a woman looking for a male partner. I’m not sure about how this applies to the reverse or to non-straight attraction. I can imagine that a woman being introverted can be seen as ‘cute’, but that’s almost equally cringeworthy and short-sighted.)

Let’s talk Tinder

Hold on, maybe the virtual world can come to the introvert’s rescue. After all, with dating apps you can take the first step and initiate conversation from the comforts of your home. You can take your time thinking about what to say and have conversations that go beyond ‘so, what do you do?’ at your own pace.

Ha, think again.

This 2010 study finds that:

…extraverted men and women were both likely to be more frequent users of social media tools, only the men with greater degrees of emotional instability were more regular users.

It’s not looking good. Research from 2016 adds that:

In combination with the application's focus on physical attractiveness and location-based matching, Tinder might be attracting extraverts rather than introverts.

Uh-oh. We conclude the triptych with 2020 work that makes it even more explicit:

Specifically, people who use Tinder are more likely to be single, outgoing, spontaneous, fun-loving risk-takers.

Le sigh.

In all fairness, that personality profile explained only a quarter of the variance in Tinder use. I’m using Tinder as an example because it’s the most well-known dating app and one of the few that has some actual research on its users. This may not reflect other dating apps. Tinder is well-known as a hook-up tool for many of its users, not necessarily as a way to find a relationship. Most of Tinder’s user base is also male. So we have a large pool of men angling for the attention of a much smaller group of women. As a result, a handful of the most ‘attractive’ men get all the swipes - and those guys tend to be the hook-up seekers from a few sentences back looking for just another notch on their (removed) belt.

(Fun fact: do you know the single most effective thing you should put in your bio as a guy for Tinder success? That you’re at least 6 feet tall. I might as well give up at this point.)

Of course, Youtube videos and dating apps are flimsy sources on which to base any statement. Many introverts find long and fulfilling relationships with both introvert and extrovert partners. Still, introversion is correlated with a higher chance of being involuntarily single. To quote the discussion of this short 2022 study:

… extraversion was a significant predictor of singlehood status, with introverted being more likely than extroverted people to be involuntarily single and to experience longer spells of singlehood.

The effect size was considerable too. For each ‘unit’ increase in extroversion, participants were 40% less likely to be involuntarily single.

All of the above is very much simplified, of course. Each one of us is far more complicated than a single personality trait. I’m pretty sure that there will be cultural differences too. And all this is based on the traditional heterosexual couple. Again I wonder if this is similar in non-straight dating life. Any insights from a reader willing to share?

At this point, any good viral article would offer tips for single but searching introverts (or a course, or an e-book, cynical me adds). Ha, if I had some effective tips I’d have used them myself by now. I can’t offer you more than the clichés. Be yourself, get out of your own head sometimes, you’re worth it, and all that jazz. Perhaps this: for all the daters thinking they need/want an extrovert partner, if your date seems shy and quiet at first, give them the benefit of the doubt. They might surprise you.

But I’m curious. Have you ever used dating apps (as an introvert or extrovert)? What was your experience?

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