The Introvert Diaries #2

In which we look at the extrovert ideal, role-playing, and niche construction

Check out diary entry #1 first if you haven’t already. It sets the stage by discussing what introversion is (and isn’t) and how it might be encoded in the brain.

By a show of hands ✋

Introvert readers, raise your hand if you’ve ever been told to ‘be more outgoing’, or ‘come out of your shell’. Ha, almost all of you. In itself, there’s nothing wrong with the advice; it’s usually given with the best intentions. But it hints at something deeper. Apparently, there is a certain level of ‘outgoingness’ we should aim for and it’s pretty clearly not the level most introverts are naturally drawn to. (When was the last time anyone received the advice to crawl back into their shell?)

(Note: outgoingness does not equate to overall sociality. Introverts can be - in their own way - quite social. And quietly social.)

This ‘be more outgoing’ advice is only a small, relatable example, but it illustrates something pervasive. In her book Quiet (quickly grown into the introvert bible), Susan Cain calls it the extrovert ideal. It’s the observation that in (almost) all human societies the ideal person we should strive to be like leans more to the extrovert side of the spectrum. Or, as Cain puts it:

…the omnipresent belief that the ideal self is gregarious, alpha and comfortable in the spotlight.

The book, like any popular psychology book, has its issues and I might be biased (always nice to read a book that confirms some of your own thoughts/experiences), but I think the idea of the extrovert ideal has its merits. (Even if the ‘alpha’ term makes me cringe.)

This extrovert ideal engages with society in a positive feedback loop until a lot of systems model themselves after it. While this is usually not made explicit, we all know examples.

School? Group projects, show and tell, grades for participation, and, as a teenager, going to parties. Don’t stand out by your silence or contemplative nature. After all, that’s not ‘cool’, right?

Work? Network, shake hands, and make sure the boss’ boss knows you. Stand up, speak loudly. You don’t have to know what you’re doing, you just have to convince others by talking over them. People skills are the hottest thing in the office and on your resume.

TV? Nobody’s going to watch a Big Brother house full of introverts. Most people want (loud) conflict, fireworks, and uninhibited behavior.

I can go on for days.

Some of you might think I’m exaggerating. Unless you’re on the introverted side of the spectrum. Then these pressures are a part of life.

(Note: Of course, this is - usually? - not a conscious effort to annoy more introverted people or make them feel miserable, but it is something ingrained in many of our interactions.)

All of life’s a play 🎭

And some of us have to act more than others. When the whole world wants you to be extroverted, it’s easier to go along with it sometimes. Even almost 50 years ago, research suggested that some introverts are quite good at playing extroverts. This was especially the case for introverts high in self-monitoring (assessing how you appear to others). Extroverts - generally - had a harder time pretending to be introverted; their extrovert expressions ‘leaked through’. That makes sense, extroverts are usually more expressive (but outwardly only!). That is easier to fake than to suppress.

Another point is that, perhaps, most introverts are more practiced in acting extroverted than extroverts are in acting introverted. Again, makes sense. If you act extroverted, people like you more and, even if they only have your (fake) extrovert behavior to go on, they consider you a better leader.

Even for the introverts themselves, this play-acting can have benefits. It can increase well-being. Acting extroverted doesn’t come for free, though. This randomized controlled trial finds that introverts acting more extroverted than they are do indeed experience a small increase in positive affect, but also:

…increased NA [negative affect] and tiredness, and decreased feelings of authenticity.

So, because of the extroverted ideal, it can pay to play an extrovert. At the same time, the cost of faking it implies that introverts should choose their stage wisely.

Construct a niche 🏗️

Or, even better, build your own stage. A while ago, I wrote about how personality is neither permanently fixed nor infinitely flexible. We ended up with a metaphor of a trait constellation, a pattern that mostly persists but can squirm and wiggle.

That squirming and wiggling of personality traits can depend on the context and it can be both subconscious and conscious. Consciously tweaking your personality traits leads us to the idea of free trait theory. For personally meaningful projects, so free trait theory proposes, we can choose to engage in ‘culturally scripted patterns of conduct‘ and mimic personality traits that might help us push along those personal projects. For example, in this day and age, self-promotion is often disproportionally important for almost any creative endeavor. Introverts hate it. But if we care enough about [insert creative project] we do it anyway. (By the way, read my stuff. Like, comment, subscribe, etc. Phew, glad that that’s out of the way. 😜) Another good example is how some musicians with a larger-than-life, extravagant stage presence turn out to be very introverted in daily life.

Moving stars in a constellation takes energy, though. So, we have to pick our battles. When is it worthwhile to engage in behaviors that are not what we’re naturally inclined to? I insert like, comment, and subscribe buttons in this newsletter, even if it goes against every bone in my body. Then why? Because, perhaps, it helps me grow Thinking Ahead and I like writing it and would like to continue to do so.

This reminds me of the biological concept of social niche construction or specialization. Niche construction is when organisms adapt their environment to help them thrive. Beavers build dams. These dams are not natural elements of the environment, but constructed ones that help the beavers live a good life. The same goes for our social environment. The people we surround ourselves with, the activities we engage in, the way we choose to behave in different contexts, and so on, can all help us adapt to existing roles (artist, leader, parent, lover) as well as adapt those roles to us.

Who knows, maybe this can help us carve out inclusive introvert niches in a world ruled by the extrovert ideal.

I’ll see you there.

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