Connection

In which we stumble into a YouTube rabbit hole and question parasocial connection

A few nights ago, I stumbled into a YouTube rabbit hole (we’ve all been there, right, or is that a Millenial thing?) and I noticed something: there are a lot of (aspiring) vloggers/creators who are producing what I’ll call ‘live with me’ videos. ‘Follow along with my morning routine’, ‘go to the gym with me’, ‘day in the life’, and so on.

I couldn’t help but ask “Why?” Why would anyone share a (usually heavily stylized, more on that later) slice of their life with a bunch of internet strangers?

This led me to a second why. Why am I (and a lot of other people) watching this?

Sure, part of this is the algorithmic ratchet. Once a video takes off, hundreds if not thousands of creators mimic that video in the hope of surfing on its wave of engagement. But I think there’s more at play. Why do some of these ‘live with me’ videos take off in the first place?

It’s easy to think that it’s all about the algorithm, the engagement, and the little voyeur in each and every one of us. But we don't settle for easy here, we root around and poke the sore spots.

My hypothesis: the ‘live with me’ type of video appeals to two basic aspects of human nature: connection and vicariousness*. This probably applies to other social media as well.

It’s a cliche to write that humans are social creatures, but clichés can be true. We all yearn for human connection, even (and probably especially) those of us who often wander the more introverted side of the spectrum. While it is debatable whether or not there truly is a loneliness ‘epidemic’, the fact remains that - if we use very broad cross-cultural averages - up to a third of people report frequently feeling lonely.

I think those ‘live with me’ videos offer a shallow and fleeting proxy of human connection for both creator and watcher. Why settle for a proxy? Because human connection, necessary and desirable though it may be, is not always easy. Scratch that, it can be frustratingly hard. (Somehow, young children are so much better at this than most adults!)

Admitting feelings of loneliness is often seen as a weakness or character flaw, while it is actually a deeply and profoundly human act. Sometimes, it’s easier to watch a YouTube video…

The second reason for the appeal of ‘live with me’ videos - vicariousness - is about the demise of childish dreams. Sounds heavy-handed, but let me explain. Most of us are raised with the idea that we should chase our dreams and that we can become who we want to be. Then, we blink a few times and find ourselves as adults stuck in a life we never chose.

Portuguese writer/poet Fernando Pessoa (who - make of this what you will - likely drank himself to an early death) puts it, beautifully, like this:

We all have two lives: The true, the one we dreamed of in childhood and go on dreaming of as adults in a substratum of mist; the false, the one we love when we live with others, the practical, the useful, the one we end up by being put in a coffin.

I’ll try not to let this get too cynical too quickly (emphasis on ‘try’), but let’s say that growing up comes with a (forced?) recalibration of one’s expectations.

So we try to live our dreams vicariously, through others. Some people try to do it through their kids, others watch YouTube videos. I’m not making this up, in case you were wondering. This vicariousness has been documented, for example, in social media videos showing public figures interacting with others, or in parasocial relationships between viewers and beauty YouTubers.

I would even suggest that several successful YouTube channels tap into this by presenting an endless (and heavily edited) stream of videos and images that appeal to a kind of common denominator of the lives most people wish they could live: blue skies, sunshine, luxury, tropical destinations, fancy food, and - of course - very beautiful people. In other words, they deliberately present desirable lives to hook their viewers who have just come home after a tough day to refresh their toddler’s diaper, worry about rent, and wonder where their dreams have gone. (Beware, social media influencers use the ‘benign envy’ implicit in vicariousness to (probably) make you buy stuff.)

But it doesn’t have to be all fancy and luxurious to appeal to our need for vicarious living. Perhaps you dream of a six-pack and watch workout videos, perhaps you’re single and watch relationship videos, perhaps you don’t like your job and watch videos of people building a business… Whatever that desire you’ll never admit having, that humble dream that somehow got away from you, there’s a video for that.

Too cynical? Sorry, I tried.

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*: an interesting (potential) distinction here is that the connection part is likely two-sided, while the vicariousness effect is probably one-sided. I think.

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